Who’s On First

By Abbott and Costello

Abbott:  Well Costello, I’m going to New York with you. You know, Bucky Harris, the Yank’s manager gave me a job as coach for as long as you’re on the team.

Costello:  Look Abbott, if you’re the coach, you must know all the players.

Abbott:  Right, certainly do.

Costello:  Well, I never met the guys, so you’ll have to tell me their names, and then I’ll know who’s playing on the team.

Abbott:  Oh, I’ll tell you their names, but you know strange as it may seem, they give these ball players now a days, very peculiar names.

Costello:  You mean funny names?

Abbott:  Strange names, pet names. Like, Dizzy Dean, and…

Costello:  His brother Daffy?

Abbott:  Daffy Dean.

Costello:  And their French cousin.

Abbott:  French?

Costello:  Goofe’.

Abbott:  Goofe’ Dean, oh I see! Well let’s see, we have on the bags, we have Who’s on first, What’s on second, and I Don’t Know is on third.

Costello:  That’s what I want to find out.

Abbott:  I say, Who’s on first, What’s on second, and I Don’t Know’s on third.

Costello:  Are you the manager?

Abbott:  Yes.

Costello:  You going to be the coach too?

Abbott:  Yes.

Costello:  And you don’t  know the fellow’s names?

Abbott:  Well I should.

Costello:  Well then who is on first?

Abbott:  Yes.

Costello:  I mean the fellow’s name.

Abbott:  Who.

Costello:  The guy on first.

Abbott:  Who.

Costello:  The first baseman.

Abbott:  Who!

Costello:  The guy playing first base.

Abbott:  Who is on first.

Costello:  I’m asking you who’s on first!

Abbott:  That’s the man’s name.

Costello:  That’s whose name?

Abbott:  Yeah.

Costello:  Well go ahead and tell me.

Abbott:  That’s it.

Costello:  That’s who?

Abbott:  Yeah.

(Pause)

Costello:  Look, you got a first baseman?

Abbott:  Certainly.

Costello:  Who’s playing first?

Abbott:  That’s right.

Costello:  When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money?

Abbott:  Every dollar of it.

Costello:  All I’m trying to find out is the fellow’s name on first base.

Abbott:  Who.

Costello:  The guy that gets the money.

Abbott:  That’s it.

Costello:  Who gets the money on first base?

Abbott:  He does, every dollar! Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.

Costello:  Whose wife?

Abbott:  Yes. (Pause) What’s wrong with that?

Costello:  Look, all I want to know is when you sign up the first baseman, how does he sign his name to the contract?

Abbott:  Who.

Costello:  The guy.

Abbott:  Who.

Costello:  How does he sign it?

Abbott:  That’s how he signs it!

Costello:  Who?

Abbott:  Yes.

(Pause)

Costello:  All I’m trying to find out is what’s the guy’s name on first base.

Abbott:  No, what’s on second base.

Costello:  I’m not asking who’s on second.

Abbott:  Who is on first!

Costello:  One base at a time!

Abbott:  Well don’t change the players around!

Costello:  I’m not changing nobody!

Abbott:  Take it easy, buddy.

Costello:  All I’m asking you, who’s the guy on first base?!

Abbott:  That’s right.

Costello:  Okay.

Abbott:  Alright.

(Pause)

Costello:  What’s the guy’s name on first base?!

Abbott:  No, What is on second!

Costello:  I’m not asking you who’s on second!

Abbott:  Who’s on first.

Costello:  I don’t know.

Abbott:  Oh, he’s on third. We’re not talking about him. Now let’s get back to first.

Costello:  Now how did I get on third base?

Abbott:  Well you mentioned his name.

Costello:  If I mentioned the third baseman’s name, who did I say’s playing third?

Abbott:  No, Who’s playing first.

Costello:  What’s on first?

Abbott:  What’s on second.

Costello:  I don’t know.

Abbott:  He’s on third.

Costello:  There I go, back on third again! Will you stay on third base and don’t go off it?

Abbott:  Alright, what do you want to know?

Costello:  Now who’s playing third base?!

Abbott:  Why do you insist on putting Who on third base?

Costello:  What am I putting on third?!

Abbott:  No, What is on second.

Costello:  You don’t want who on second?!

Abbott:  No, Who is on first.

Costello:  I don’t know!

Both: Third base!

(Pause)

Costello:  Look, you got outfield?

Abbott:  Sure.

Costello:  The left fielder’s name?

Abbott:  Why.

Costello:  I just thought I’d ask you.

Abbott:  Well I just thought I’d tell you.

Costello:  Then tell me who is playing left field.

Abbott:  Who is playing first.

Costello:  I’m not…Stay out of the infield! I want to know, what’s the guy’s name in left field?

Abbott:  No, What is on second.

Costello:  I’m not asking who’s on second.

Abbott:  No, Who is on first.

Costello:  I don’t know.

Both:  Third base!

(Pause)

Costello:  And left fielder’s name?

Abbott:  Why!

Costello:  Because.

Abbott:  No, he’s center field.

Costello:  (Fumbles words loudly)

Abbott:  Well that’s the fellow’s name.

Costello:  Look, look, look, you got a pitcher?

Abbott:  Sure.

Costello:  The pitcher’s name?

Abbott:  Tomorrow.

Costello:  You don’t want to tell me today?

Abbott:  I’m telling you then.

Costello:  Well go ahead.

Abbott:  Tomorrow.

Costello:  What time?

Abbott:  What time what?

Costello:  At what time tomorrow are you going to tell me who’s pitching?

Abbott:  Now listen, Who is not pitching. Who is on…

Costello:  I’ll break your arm you say who’s on first! I want to know, what’s the pitcher’s name?

Abbott:  What’s on second!

Costello:  I don’t know!

Both:  Third base!

(Pause)

Costello:  Got a catcher?

Abbott:  Certainly.

Costello:  The catcher’s name.

Abbott:  Today.

Costello:  Today? And tomorrow’s pitching?

Abbott:  Now you’ve got it.

Costello:  All we got is a couple of days on the team. You know, I’m a catcher too.

Abbott:  So they tell me.

Costello:  I get behind the plate, do some fancy catching. Tomorrow’s pitching on my team and a heavy hitter gets up.

Abbott:  Yes.

Costello:  Now, the heavy hitter bunts the ball. When he bunts the ball, me being a good catcher, I want to throw the guy out at first base. So I pick up the ball, and throw it to who?

Abbott:  Now that’s the first thing that you’ve said right.

Costello:  I don’t even know what I’m talking about!

Abbott:  Well that’s all you have to do!

Costello:  Is throw the ball to first base?

Abbott:  Yes.

Costello:  Now who’s got it?

Abbott:  Naturally.

(Pause)

Costello:  Look, if I throw the ball to first base, somebody’s got to get it. Now who has it?

Abbott:  Naturally.

Costello:  Who?

Abbott:  Naturally.

Costello:  Naturally?

Abbott:  Naturally.

Costello:  So I pick up the ball and throw it to Naturally?

Abbott:  No you don’t! You throw the ball to Who!

Costello:  Naturally.

Abbott:  That’s different.

Costello:  That’s what I said.

Abbott:  You’re not saying that.

Costello:  I throw the ball to Naturally?

Abbott:  You throw it to Who.

Costello:  Naturally.

Abbott:  That’s it.

Costello:  That’s what I said!

Abbott:  Listen, you ask me.

Costello:  I throw the ball to who?

Abbott:  Naturally.

Costello:  Now you ask me.

Abbott:  You throw the ball to Who?

Costello:  Naturally.

Abbott:  That’s it.

Costello:  Same as you!

Abbott:  You just changed them around.

Costello:  Same as you! I throw the ball to who. Whoever it is drops the ball, the guy runs to second, who picks up the ball, throw’s it to what, what throw’s it to I don’t know, I don’t know throw’s it back to tomorrow, triple play!

Abbott:  Yes.

Costello:  Another guy gets up, and it’s a long fly ball to because. Why? I don’t know, he’s on third, and I don’t give a darn!

Abbott:  Oh…What?

Costello:  I said, I don’t give a darn!

Abbott:  Oh, that’s our short stop.

Costello:  (Fumbles words loudly)