The Impossible We Do Right Away...
Miracles Take A Little Longer.

Lack Of Prior Planning On Your Part
Does Not Constitute An Emergency
On My Part.

Get Out Of Bed,
The Klan Is Having A Really Tonight
And We Need The Sheets.

Warning!
We Shoot Every 5th Salesman,
P.S. The 4th One Just Left.

Happiness is getting your load off.
(I saw this on the back of a dump truck)

Chocolate Math

1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate. (try for more than once but less than 10).

2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)

3. Add 5

4. Multiply it by 50

5. If you have already had your birthday this year -- add 1751 ...
   If you haven't, add 1750 ...

6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born
   ( if you remember)
   You should have a three digit number.
   The first digit of this was you original number (i.e., how many times you want to have chocolate each week)
   The next two numbers are your age.
   This is the only year (2001) it will work).

The Pig Story

There once was a young man with a very fast car who loved to drive on country roads. He thought of himself as a great driver.

He could handle anything.

One day he was out driving his favorite road and coming into his favorite curve, when around the curve came a car careening out of control. And just before it got to him it pulled into its lane. As it passed, a woman yelled out "PIG". Well, he responded in a flash and shot back "COW".

He thought to himself, how dare she call me a name? I was in my lane. She was the one who was all over the place. But he felt rather smug because he got her before she got away.

And so, he put the accelerator to the floor, whipped around the curve, and ran into the pig.

Now, that's a paradigm story. You see, the young man was responding with the old rules. You call me a name, I'll call you a name. She was warning him about the pig.

If you have Paradigm Flexibility, what you'll be hearing will be opportunities.

If you have Paradigm Paralysis, what you'll be hearing will sound like threats.

Blood Alcohol Content

C = (OZ x P x 0.037) / W

C = Blood Alcohol Content in % wt/vol

OZ = Ounces of Drink Consumed
P = Proof
W = Body Weight (lbs)

Calculating Ratings for Horse Racing

Rating = (W + P/3 + S/6) x E/850

W = Number of Wins
P = Number of Places
S = Number of Shows
R = Number of Races
E = Amount of Earnings in Dollars

Why is 6 afraid of 7, because 7 ate 9 (7 8 9)

The Candy Bar And Soda Pop Story

  Mr. Peanut bar took Miss Chocolate bar behind the powerhouse to get a big hunk. He gently laid her on the rocky road. Then he unwrapped his tootsie roll and stuck it in her U-no and before Dr. Pepper could get there she had 3 musketeers and a baby ruth and all she could say was oh Henry that was good and plenty.

                                                                                           The End (1977)

Used-To-Dream (for women)

  I used to dream about a man who would wear elegant clothes, but you came along in your old jeans with a rip in them.

I used to dream about a man who would take me to expensive places to eat but you came along and we went to Mc Donald's, dutch treat.

I used to dream about a man who would send me dozens of flowers on my birthday, but you came along and gave me three wilted dandelions.

I used to dream about a man who would carry me off on a white horse, but you came along and fell off your bike.

I used to dream about a man who would kiss me passionately, but you came along and the first time you kissed me, our braces locked.

I used to dream about many things, now I just dream about how lucky I am you came along.

                                                                                              The End (1977)

I KNOW YOU BELIEVE YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU THINK I SAID, BUT I AM NOT SURE YOU REALIZE THAT WHAT YOU HEARD IS NOT WHAT I MEANT.

It's Better to Be A Head Of A Dog Rather Then A Tail Of A Tiger